


Disarm

by Jilienemily



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Heartache
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-17 23:22:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2326898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jilienemily/pseuds/Jilienemily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I got inspired by the cover version of "disarm" by the civil wars.<br/>It's my version of what happened to Gale after all that was over and what it does to him when he finally has to face Katniss again after ten years. It's just a late night oneshot I did, listening to that song on repeat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disarm

Disarm you with a smile  
And cut you like you want me to  
Cut that little child  
Inside of me and such a part of you  
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little boy  
So old in my shoes  
And what i choose is my choice  
What's a boy supposed to do?  
The killer in me is the killer in you  
My love  
I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile  
And leave you like they left me here  
To wither in denial  
The bitterness of one who's left alone  
Ooh, the years burn  
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

I used to be a little boy  
So old in my shoes  
And what I choose is my voice  
What's a boy supposed to do?  
The killer in me is the killer in you  
My love  
I send this smile over to you

It still hurt. After all those years it still hurt so bad that sometimes he couldn’t even sleep. Reliving all those horrors. Sometimes he would dream that he’d made different decisions. That one small step he took made a difference. If he had volunteered. If he had kissed her and told her he loved her the second she’d come back. If he had told her long before this capitol bitch had snatched Prims name from that blasted bowl. So many names. So fuckin many names. And she picked the name of the one girl that couldn’t harm a fly. Gale still had to chuckle through his tears every time he thought about the absurdity of that moment. Primrose. That had been the worst joke the capitol ever pulled. Groaning Gale rubbed both hands over his face, trying to get rid of the tears that kept coming. Ten years later the pain was just as real and as harsh as it had been in that split second as he’d realized that she would not forgive him. That she couldn’t. He snorted derogatorily and got up. This was ridiculous. His heavy footsteps echoed from the walls of his almost empty apartment. There were no pictures, no personal things. It was as empty as he felt inside. He was the one who had been left behind in exile. He couldn’t go back home, because she would be there with him. Anger and helplessness raged inside him, ripped at the open wound in his chest. In a helpless attempt to ease the pain he rammed his fist into the next wall. It didn’t help. His chest was heaving under his heavy breaths as he blinked against the still upcoming tears. He was so done with this. So done with missing her every single day of his life. With feeling guilty, both for having caused a massacre as well as having survived it. He should’ve died there, in the fire of his own cursed bombs. Sobbing he slid down the wall burying his face in both hands while outside the fireworks cracked and exploded. He flinched at every single BOOM that made it through the closed windows. He hated the yearly celebration of the Revolution. It was a bitter reminder of everything he had lost. He had tried so hard to win her back, to reach out for her. But Peeta had been the one damaged enough for her. They were connected through something he had never experienced. Too clearly he remembered the feeling of her slipping through his fingers. As if he had tried to hold onto something as frail as smoke. Ten years. And suddenly she had to come here. After all those years she would come to District 2 and attend the Parade and the big Dinnerparty. The one he had to organize every bloody fuckin year. Gale was gritting his teeth. Why. Why now? Why would she do that to him now? Anger and frustration were running through his veins. His muscles tensed and he clenched his hands into fists. The back of his head hit the wall with a dull thud. Over and over his head hit the wall in the pointless attempt to make the numbness go away. At least the firework was finally over and the soothing silence covered him like a blanket. Somehow he must’ve eventually fallen asleep like that, ‘cause when he woke the next morning he was lying on the floor of his apartment. Gale cursed and got up, checking the time. Relieved washed over him, it was still early morning so he took his time getting ready, trying not to think about the day ahead of him. In the shower he placed his hands on the cold pile while the hot water rushed down his back. He tried to clear his mind but there was no way he would be able to rest his mind. So he gave up trying and just accepted that this would be the hardest day of his life since the day Katniss had volunteered. 

When he entered the celebration hall the place was crawling with people fixing things up, trying to make it look as perfect as possible now that the Mockingjay would finally spent the Celebration here. Gale shied away from the thoughts looming right at the border of his mind. He gave orders, checked the lighting and the technic. Everything was where it had to be and while the day slowly passed he was mostly hiding in the control room, avoiding to look at her whenever the cameras captured her face during the big parade. The sun was slowly setting and now there was nowhere left to hide. He had to attend the party. His hands were trembling as he stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom and tried to straighten the jacket of his tailored black suit. He could clearly see the dark circles underneath his cloudy grey eyes. He still was good looking, but ten years of loneliness and bitterness had taken their toll in him. There was a grim line around his lips and as he tried to smile it looked insane. His fingers clawed around the basin as he fought back the panic. He could face her. With him. His knuckles turned white and he had to let go to not break it. Gale took a last deep breath and then walked out of the bathroom, putting on a professional but distant expression. He moved through the laughing and cheering crowd towards the center entrance where he would be standing next to the Governor of District 2 to welcome their honored guests. He could hear the cheering growing outside, so they had finally arrived. Gale stepped into position and straightened himself. His hands were locked behind his back, his gaze was distant and fixed on something beyond the crowd. His heart was aching and twitching and curling in excruciating pain as he waited for the star crossed lovers to enter the door. When they did his heart just dropped, hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. Katniss was gleaming with beauty and health. And she was pregnant. It was as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water in his belly and Gale felt his knees buckle. It took him every last bit of self-control to stay where he was and to look at her. She must’ve been in the sixth or seventh month since her flowing dress was waving around her round belly. Gale swallowed thickly. He felt sick. And then she noticed him. Her gaze brushed over his face as if she hadn’t recognized him, then flickered back and suddenly her eyes widened in surprise. “Gale!” she beamed at him and walked over, completely ignoring everyone else. “Hello Katniss.” He said, his voice husky and rough. Her slender arms came up around his neck before he could stop her and he had to lean down awkwardly. Her scent surrounded him and he took a shuddering breath. Jasmin and Honey with some lilac. Gales mouth went dry and this unbearable aching for her flooded his body and mind. Gentle but determined he shuffled her off him. Startled she looked up at him and Gale tried really hard to keep his expression calm while all he wanted was to bury himself inside her and forget that the last 13 years had ever happened. Katniss frowned at him but just like when they were Teenager she just let him be and went back to shake hands with the Governor. 

As Peeta came up the two man eyed each other calmly and then shook hands. Gale had nothing to say to Peeta. Sure he wanted to punch him really, really hard but that wasn’t exactly a new sensation. So he just nodded and they went on. Gale stayed behind, unable to move a muscle, not sure if his feet would be able to carry him. The music started and the first drinks made their way around. Gale slowly disappeared into a corner of the room, holding a glass of champagne he barely touched. Only when Katniss placed her hand on his did he look up. This time he was completely unprepared and all the pain it caused him to look at her was visible on his face. Katniss shied away a bit, confused, but guilty. “I’m sorry.” She said quietly and Gale almost laughed. “I know it took me too long. But… “, she sighed and her hand absent-mindedly caressed her round belly. It pieced his soul. “I should’ve come earlier.” She finally said and looked up at him, almost as if she was looking for forgiveness. Irritated Gales frown deepened. “I…” he began, but what the bloody hell should he say? I still love you? I missed you every day? Not a single night passes without me feeling guilty for everything I’ve done? Can you finally forgive me? His chest was torn and shredded and he pressed his lips together so he wouldn’t yell at her in front of hundreds of people. “Gale I’m really sorry, would you please talk to me? Please… let’s just… why don’t you introduce me to your wife?” she said and Gale nearly dropped his glass. “I don’t have a wife.” He said flatly and her eyes widened surprised. “Then… your girlfriend?” she offered. “I don’t have a girlfriend.” His voice was turning darker by the minute, husky and cracked. He had to clear his throat. Katniss stared at him. “Since… since when?” she whispered and the left corner of his mouth twitched. “Since about exactly ten years.” 

This time Katniss dropped her glass and Gale wasn’t fast enough to catch it. But the shattering sound got swallowed up in the noise around them. Katniss hands were shaking and she crossed her arms. “Why?” she whispered with a trembling voice and the pain distorted his features. “Don’t you know?” he whispered back helplessly. Katniss shook her head slowly, disbelieve written all over her face. “Oh Gale…” a tear left the corner of her eye and he reached up to catch it, gently stroking her face. “Can you forgive me?” he asked, a helpless desperate smile on his lips. He needed to know. “Forgive you what?” she asked confused only to suddenly press her hand across her lips. Now it was her face that showed nothing but pain. “Gale… I…” she reached out and cupped his face with both hands. “I forgave you years ago. Didn’t you know that?” now she was crying and he had to pull himself together really hard to not tear up as well. “How was I supposed to know that Katniss? I haven’t heard from you in ten years.” 

She took a deep breath and looked around, spotting the doors that led out into the garden. She took his hand and pulled at it until he followed her. They made their way through the crowd and outside across the terrace and into the garden. Cool evening air embraced them, filled with the scent of wood and flowers. Katniss kept on walking until they were definitely out of sight from the Hall. She crossed her arms again, looking up at him, this time anger was dancing in her grey eyes that were so much like his. “Gale Hawthorne you idiot! How could you believe that I wouldn’t forgive you?!” she snapped at him and Gale just arched one eyebrow. “Well, dead silence for ten years sets a pretty clear image doesn’t it?” he snarled sarcastically. “And what is that about you being single?! Don’t tell me there’s not a single woman here that would go out with you!” she was so angry her cheeks were flushed by now. He tried to contain his anger and clenched his fists again. “Don’t you dare pretending you don’t know why I am single.” Now his voice was really dark and dangerous. “Just because you are happy now and found your luck with Peeta doesn’t change a thing about how I feel Katniss! You broke my heart!” he yelled at her, all the bitterness finally welling up inside him. “I loved you so much and you dropped me! I was never enough! Not broken enough, not good enough…” he dug his fingers through his hair. “Katniss for almost fifteen years I have loved you every single day of my life. And there is nothing that’s gonna change that. I loved you long before you volunteered and yes, I thought you would feel something for me. That I would mean more to you. I tried to win you back, I tried so hard. But let’s be honest here for a bit, I had no chance. It didn’t matter what I said or did. How I kissed you or held you.” Gale shook his head. “No Katniss, just because you moved on and found a way to put yourself back together doesn’t mean that it had to be that easy for me as well. You basically banished me! I haven’t set foot to district 12, to my HOME in over ten years because of you! Because I was too scared of what I would find when I would go there. Of the way you would look at me. Of you with him!” he pointed towards the building. “It burns Katniss! It burns me every cursed day!” Gale threw up his hands and then rubbed them both over his face, groaning. “I can’t do this.” He whimpered, his voice broken. “Gale-“, she reached out for him but he took a step back, tears shimmering in his eyes. “No. Don’t. Please… don’t touch me I can’t stand that. Just enjoy your short stay here, enjoy the dinner and the party. But don’t expect me to pretend that I’m okay with this. That I’m happy for you and your life. Because I am not. I am not okay with any of this. And just looking at you kills me. It’s killing me Katniss! So do me a favor and leave me alone for as long as you are here and never come back here. You will have your family and your home and a good life. You deserve it. Just don’t make me a part of it. Don’t think that this will suddenly change anything between us. I will not come back and I will continue living with my anger and pain and guilt. I will get up every morning and go to bed every night. I will do my job and maybe, just maybe the aching will go away one day. But until that day…” he heaved a shuddering breath and angrily wiped away the burning tears. “Just leave me alone.” 

Katniss swallowed thickly and looked at her broken friend. At that small piece of him that was left in this hurt, broken man that still was so painfully handsome. Still her heart was longing for him. She missed her best friend but had no idea how to reach him. He was too far gone in his anger and guilt, in his pain and heartache. Heartache she had caused and still was causing. “Gale… you have to get over me. I will not stand by and let you ruin your life because of me.” She said softly and Gale stared at her flabbergasted. “You can’t be serious. Katniss you didn’t care for me for ten forsaken years. Don’t you even think about having any saying in my life now that you miraculously made an appearance in it. What I do is none of your business anymore. I have tried to get over you. I really did. But I couldn’t. Sometimes and I know that’s a concept you can’t understand, but sometimes you love someone so much that no matter how many years go by or how many other people you meet, you will always miss that one person and the life you could’ve had. That aching will never go away, and there will be days where you miss her so much that you can barely breathe. And you will dream of her, over and over only to wake alone in an empty apartment.” She looked up at him full of helpless vulnerability. “I wish I could do something… anything to make you see that I am not what you need.” She whispered and reached out for him again. This time he did not flinch as her hand carefully touched his cheek. “You don’t get it do you? It’s not that you’re not what I need. I am not what you need. That’s the main point here. You have always been everything I needed. And you will be until the day I die.” With that he turned around and walked away. Knowing he would never see her again.


End file.
